Today I experienced something weird.
The day did not start off well for me. For more than half the day I have been feeling restless and agitated. It’s been a while since I have felt so unbalanced internally. It is not something I miss.
All I wanted to do was roll into a ball and stop my brain from functioning. The last thing I wanted was to have to interact with humans.
Or so I thought.
Please no, mum.
Coming home for the weekends always means being roped into events or outings by my parents that I have no clue about until I arrive at the doorstep on Friday evening.
Today my mum had planned to visit a new family. I originally thought that was her schedule for today. But it turns out, it was OUR schedule.
Meeting new people of all days today? Please no mum.
My pleas fell upon deaf hears and soon we were standing outside a white door with a well-kempt garden, a box of chocolates in my hand.
Disappearing clouds
At the start, the conversation was slow and halting, a gray cloud still looming over my head. But as moments passed, I could almost feel the gray cloud disappearing. Before I knew it, I fell back into my uusual style — asking questions, connecting dots, forming bonds. A 10 min pop-in chat soon turned into more than an hour.
I left the house smiling and cheerful…reenergised.
This realisation hit me. Renerigsed? Me? From social interactions?
I’ve always considered myself as an introvert. Someone who gains energy being alone, rather than with people.
Although I know I am not much of an introvert as I used to be, to think that I was able to overcome an internal state of imbalance with an extrovert technique rather than my normal introvert techniques, is pretty fascinating.
Habits and identity
It reminds me of what James Clear talks about in his book, Atomic Habits, about habits and identity. That our identity forms from the habits we have adopted as these are the actions we continously do.
‘Your identity emerges from your habits.’
Maybe the more of a habit it becomes for me to be in social situations, the more it’s becoming a part of my identity. Maybe my identity is moving across the scale further away from introvert.
Or maybe it’s more simple than that. Maybe I will always be an introvert at heart, but a human too. And what are humans except social creatures.
